Excuse me, Ms?

Excuse me, Ms? is something iv'e been thinking about.
My eyes have been shifting the the left and Im going in for a Nuerologic evaluation tomrrow (im so tired of saying that word..nuerologic..)

Dr's say it could be signs of MS.
So Im ready for whatever...I guess.

But I've thought about writting a book. Thats what people do when they are faced with a life changing circumstance right? They right books.

Excuse me, Ms? came to mind right off the bat.
Not sure how exciting it would be to read about a girl with a normal life going thru the transition into something surreal, but I thought the title was catchy ;D

Just a thought.
Guess we'll learn more tororrow.

Sh.

I saw Jason this morning.
Run into him at the store? No.
Bump into him at the gas station? No.

He came over to fix my car.
Yup. My car was running funny and he came over and checked it out. It runs fine now.

We have a date. This Friday night. He made reservations for somewhere at 8:45.
Wont tell me where.

Hes funny. Quick witted. Charming. Sober.
I missed the sound of his voice. Quiet. Low.

I wont tell anyone.

....Long Time No See...

OOOOOooooooooooooooooh blog.
How I've missed you.

So much has happened within the past few months:

Alex and I fell in love.
Had a great few weeks.
I started losing my sense of freedom.
Broke up with him last night.


Meanwhile-
Jason has come up out of the blue.
Writes me an e mail every now and then.
Stopped by my work yesterday to drop something random off.
Called me last night just to leave his number on my caller ID.

When he speaks, its short.
Confined.
Clean.
Hes keeping a very respectable distance.

Im going to go back to keeping my eyes shut and my ears plugged.
I had my rebound.
Had my time with love again.
I miss myself.
God I feel like I can breathe again.

Lean On Me.

I wonder why people are still drawn to other people who have hurt them in the past. I wish as human beings, we had the ability to just shut off someone who has hurt us. Like when we're cut, we bleed. When we're sad, we cry. When somethings funny, we laugh. When we get hurt, we should just beable to do the hockey pockey, and turn yourself about, and thats what its all about.

Jasons a douch bag. And I don't want to be with him. But last night I went out and had a blast with Kristin and some people. And when I got home, and layed in bed, I got sad. Lonley. Horny, yes. I just wanted to be with someone. BUT tell me why, IF I had been with someone, I would have felt guilty afterwards? Why is THAT possible? THAT is not fair. I know I'm the only who comes up with these feelings. It's my responsibility to be a big girl, and tell myself 'People break-up with people, and then they go and sleep with other people. It's Ok. It's normal. It's the nature of life.' (That felt pretty good ;)

So I asked my girlfriends to send me reasons why calling Jason when Im drunk is a retarded idea. I compilled them onto a piece of paper, and tapped it to my wall next to my bed. This is my vow, my promise, my commitment: I will never..do that again.

Check Please!

Im stuck in this weird space.
Like I just walked into a Bubble...and its filled with STRESS.

Unfortunatly I don't handle this kind of stress very well.
Im sure theres several types of stress..
Like active stress. Active stress would be like when your with your friends and they stab themself in the hand with a knife... and you click into 'Nurse Mode'. Yeah its stressful, but your moving, doing, acting, creating, establishing.
I dont know how else to descride it, but thats one kind of stress. Im good in that kind of stress. When people ask me 'Are you good under pressure?' or 'Do you handle stress well?'
I always say yes.

But Im in Still Stress.
Like everything is stopped...and STRESSFUL!
Nothing is moving, nothing is improving, developing, or being established.
Everything is just..stuck.
Money..stuck.
Job..stuck.
Family..stuck.
Its like the world stopped turning.

And I don't know what to do..
So I drink, and hope it will come to me.
I want a light at the end of my tunnel... a break.

Grass,Tats, and Class

Lets back up to last night.
I went over to my aunts to talk about about a business we're putting together.
One thing lead to another and..I got high.

I havn't been for over two years.
I knew the time would come..and it did. When she threw the pipe in front of my face my lips reached out and kissed it.

I wasn't as geeky as I feard I'ld be. I enjoyed it ;)
We we're actually quite productive, although on a daily basis, I understand her more when Im sober and she's high.
Good to know.

Now I just got home from getting my tattoo done.
I've been trying to get this down for about 6 months.
Its a star made up of music notes and its on my left hip and falls into my front.
Finally, I did it. And I LOVE it. It looks amazing, and feels like acid.
When he was done he rubbed me down with alcohol and cleaned it up.
I didn't realize how long it'd been since someone full on touched me there..and like that ;)
I got caught up in the moment and then snapped out of it before a sex moan slipped off my tounge.

Im classy.

Just Don't Do It

I found a bathtub.
I didn't find one, I had to go buy one..and then make myself stay in it.

Theres too much at stake.
But it kept my mind busy, which was nice.

Iv learned I am in a state of "extreme".
I went from never seeing a Tornado, to trying to run through one. One extreme to another, and I did this because I was scared of just stopping and being still.
My 'emotional feelers' are out, and they are reaching for someone to dream about.Think about.
Be close to. Cared about.
Im a lonely hopeless romantic..
...in a bathtub.